CONFESSING MY LOVE

CONFESSING MY LOVE is an Equals Three episode released on Monday, August 29th 2011.

The episode's title is Ray's improvised title for the third video.

Opening Titles
Alright, so today we're going to start off with something really simple but really kind of cool.

This is a mexican standoff between a cat and a dog.

So they're staring each other down, right? I mean looking at each other for like five minutes like: $Correct Use Of The Word Bitch$ "Make a move then, bitch!"

So I watch them staring each other and I'm like "You guys just need to get it fucking over with $Puppy Love?$ cause I'm bored watching this" $Kitty Porn?$, but then near the end of the video like the dog moves in for the attack.


 * [video plays]

I do feel sorry for that dog though. I mean it looks like he just want's play.

"Hey, my name is Tony, what's your name? Do you play Xbox? Oh Jesus!"

Now that video got about four hundred views in just a few days, it's great, it's funny, it's hilarious and shit, I don't want to spend that much time on it cause I wanna spend more time on the last video, so yeah let's do that Cool Transition thing.

Anytime.

Anytime you wanna...

Brandon - who is my editor - you're an asshole. $I AM AN ASS****$

Cool Transition
Thank you.

Now after this past weekend I think we can all agree that hurricane Irene is a bitch.

And you know what Lil' Wayne says to do about bitches? $Fornicate with them.$ Fuck 'em.

Anyway this is a live news report during hurricane Irene.

I want you to pay attention to the guys who were running in the background.


 * [video plays]

Ok now I'm no weather expert $I'm Just Naturally Gloomy The Barometric Pressure is... FLACCID YOU ARE PROBABLY IN ALABAMA  6 MORE INCHES OF WINTER IS AN AVERAGE LENGTH WINTER$, I majored in History and know nothing about weather but why in the hell is this guy whipping out his dick in the middle of a hurricane like it's a fucking barometer?

Here's a serious question: if you see a guy's boner during a hurricane, does that mean six more weeks of winter or six more weeks of summer?

Cause if it's six more weeks of winter that means you don't want to run outside naked cause everyone watching the news is going to say the exact same thing:


 * [video continues]

Man, you can't hate on a guy for having a small dick during a damn hurricane! $TO BE FAIR IT WAS A SMALL TV$ It's cold man, some shrinkage may occur!

Also, I can't blame the guy. Sometimes I go places with my penis hanging out... $ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS$ Wal-Mart and such...

By the way this video aired live on The Weather Channel and this is by far the most exciting thing to ever happen to The Weather Channel, fucking ever!

"Hey Bob, how bad was that hurricane?"

"Man, it was really bad, I got hit in the head with a dick!"

Cool Transition
Now this last video is our biggest getting - almost - a million views in 4 days.

Now I don't normally review like celebrity driven videos just $BECAUSE MOST OF THEM SUCK$ because they get enough attention, but this particular one is... its special.

So Jim Carrey - famous actor comedian Jim Carrey makes this weird $THE TRUMAN SHOW 2$ like video, just all of a sudden, like just puts out a fucking video confessing his love for Emma Stone.


 * [video plays]

You know when I first saw this is was confused, I was like:

What? Jim Carrey wants to fuck that girl from Harry Potter?

No no no, turns out it wasn't her it was Emma Stone.

Now why does it surprise anyone that Jim Carrey wants to get a little $He's Going To Leave No Stone Unturned ELTON JOHN CLAY AIKEN GEORGE MICHAEL NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IAN McKellen and SMITHERS WOMEN LOVE MEN WHO TALK OUT OF THEIR ANUS$ easy A from Emma Stone? Who wouldn't hump Emma Stone? The goddamn Pope want's to hump Emma Stone! Look at her!

But what I don't know is what he made this creepy video all staring into the camera like he's some kind of registered sex offender?

I mean Jim Carrey doesn't have a problem with women. If you're Jim Carrey you have one pickup line, one. You're Jim Carrey you walk up to women and you go:

"Hi ladies, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm Jim motherfucking Carrey!"

And then they immediately start felating $THAT MEANS BLOW JOB$ him... I would.

And you know it's a bullshit cause I made a video exactly like this like three months ago confessing my love for Ellen Page, and the bitch files a restraining order.

Now people are quick to tell me that Jim Carrey was just joking here... Now here we are here... I think he is joking but he's also not. I mean I think it's one of those things where you're like:

"Oh-ho no! I was just kidding Emma Stone! But you know, $GUYS ARE NEVER KIDDING ABOUT SEX$ if you're, if you're down, you know [laughs] we can do it."

Don't get me wrong I love Jim Carry, I love his work and I think we should all follow his lead, we should all make videos just confessing our love to our celebrity crush!

"Danny Devito, I would marry you, and we would have short, fat, disgustingly hideous children... and the sex?"

Tell me you wouldn't fuck Danny Devito! $I'd Be His TWIN If You Know What I Mean I'd Show Him My Penguin$ Tell me you wouldn't fuck Danny Devito!!! You're lying, you're lying! If you saw Danny Devito in the street, you would run at him with your junk out like:


 * [video plays]

But you know what isn't - so small? $MY HEART$ The Comment Question of the Day which comes froma user named BAM! and she said:

Hi Ray, my Comment Question of the Day is, who's your favorite superhero?

Soo, who is your favorite superhero? Leave your interesting or creative responses in the comments section below or on Facebook, Twiiter or Google Plus - or just leave your fucking answers anywhere, leave them under my doorstep I don't give a shit!

Cool Transition
But thanks for watching today's episode of Equals Three, I'm Ray William Johnson and I approve this message.

So tell me guys, what's your hurricane name?

Outtakes
Such a dick. [incoming message sounds] Sorry Brandon I'm getting some - shitload of text, alright damnit stop texting me. People have no respect. [laughs] [phone vibrates] No they're my friends so of course they don't have any respect. Man you can't hate on a guy for having a small dick. Fuck. And then you insert the - small dick. Urgh. Small Dick. Damnit Brandon I fucked a line. Alright let me do try it again. For Ellen Page - small dick - [laughs] that's it!

Characters Featured

 * No returning characters were portrayed in this episode.

Video
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