IT'S NOT GAY

I'M GAY is an Equals Three episode released on Thursday, September 1st 2011.

=== Opening Titles === Man! Guys have I got a video for you! I mean it is a video! It mean it is a vide-o. It's a video!

And in this video there's this cat, and there's this balloon lookin cat here...


 * [video plays]

$WE LIKE KUNG FU CAT VIDEOS$ Man I know you hate cat videos but that was badass! He was all like: "Oh hi. Nice to meet you Mr. Cat-" [martial art cries]


 * [video replays]

I mean Garfield here can channel his inner tiger and take a motherfucker out!

Now this video got like two hundred thousand views in about three days and a lot of people are hating on this cat, mainly cause he's such a fat ass.


 * [video replays with arrows]

Man, don't do that. Don't hurt on the cat cause he's fat! $CATS ARE SOULLESS CREATURES$ You'll hurt his fat little feelings! Besides we've already established that he's kind of a badass. Like Chunk Norris here will fuck you up!

Now I don't blame the chat for freaking out, if I came home and someone walked in with a balloon replica of me, I'd probably freak the fuck out too. [martial art cries] Or. Or- or maybe i wouldn't, maybe I would uh... Maybe i would get to know myself a little better...

Shhhhh === Cool Transition ===

Now this nex- what? It's not gay $HE'S RIGHT$ if you're blowing yourself!

Anyway this next video got almost a hundred thousand views in just about two days and it is literally just a ten-second clip taken from some baseball game and the clip went viral and so this woman being hit in the face with a baseball in slow motion.

$HERE COMES THE TOM HANKS QUOTE$ Woo, she took that hit like a champ, come on. There's no crying in baseball.

Now that's kind of fucking hilarious, but you got to think of it like this. Woman gets hit in the face with a baseball: they chose to replay that in slow motion in front of everyone. And they chose to put this graphic afterwards that says "YES". $BECAUSE BASEBALL IS BORING WITHOUT STEROIDS BONDS MCGWIRE$

What?! Why yes? It's almost like the editors were glad that grandma got beaned in the face with a baseball.

$undefined$ Now as big of an asshole as my editor Brandon is, he would never do that to me- [gets beaned - you're out!]

And by the way guys, is everyone at that baseball game stoned? $NOT THE CHILDREN$ Why such a delayed reaction? I mean look how off this guy's timing is when he's trying to catch the ball. Yeah you know how to catch $HA HA YEAH WITH MY BONG$ a ball there Cpt. Smokes-a-lot? You imagine it's a bag of Doritos.

And one more thing i gotta say. To the lady in the background laughing her ass off at this: $F*** YOU LADY SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO DO MORE THAN LAUGH TO GET RID OF THAT ASS$ fuck you lady.

You know the rules: you find out if a person is okay and then you laugh your ass off. You don't want to be in one of those situations where you're like: "[laughter] She got hit with the ball! Oh shit he's hurt." === YES Transition ===

$TOO MANY PEOPLE ALREADY THINK I'M GAY IT'S LIKE LASSIE, LADY AND THE TRAMP, SNOW DOGS, HOMEWARD BOUND, AIR BUD, MARLEY & ME, TURNER & HOOCH, K9 COP, BEETHOVEN, BINGO, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN, 101 DALMATIANS, SHILO, FLUKE, BECAUSE OF WINN DIXIE, LOOK WHO'S TALKING 3$ Now this last video is, it's something very special to me. Now I don't want to get too sentimental or to serious on this show but s- you know after seeing all these videos sometimes I lose faith in the world.

Now the video we're about to see is called "Dog tries to save a cat friend". It's a very very touching and moving video, alright? So there's this cat and the cat starts choking, right? And the cat's dog friend, befriends a dog comes up and gives it the Heimlich Maneuver. And it's one of the most incredible and sentimental and moving things that I've ever seen so here it is a dog giving a cat the Heimlich Maneuver.


 * [video plays]

You know we have a lot of fun here on Equals Three $THE F*** I DO MY MOMMY'S BIRTHDAY THAT'S WHY PEOPLE DRINK AWAY THEIR PROBLEMS$ but sometimes it's important to remember the meaningful things in life. And sometines when your friend is in trouble you feel helpless, you feel hurt, you feel scared and that's why this video is just so inspiring. I mean this dog looks like he got there just in the nick of time. And if he hadn't been there that cat, that cat probably would've choked to death and died.

[cries]It just breaks my heart. I need a minute. But you know- there's a lesson to be learned from this video $CAT RAPE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM ESPECIALLY IN TEXAS I HOPE THAT DOG WAS WEARING A DONG SACK$ - a metaphor if you will.

Sometimes in life people treat you the way this dog is treating this cat. You know: your ex-girlfriend, the government, your cell phone provider will often do this to you and i just [laughs and stops crying] I can't keep that up anymore. I just wish for the sake of viral videos that that dog would have tried to fuck that fat ass cat that, Chunk Norris from the, from the video earlier. She would have been like:


 * [first video plays]

Damn! Who knew Chunk Norris was such a... lesbian.

But you know what else turns you gay? $PRISON$ ...not blowing yourself! This is absolutely not gay. It's not! It's- I'm doing to myself it's not gay, shut up!

but uh- but also the Comment Question of the Day which comes from a user named BAM! and he said:

'''Hey Ray! Greetings from the top of Europe! My Comment Question of the Day is what do you need to get high like this?'''

Wow, that was a good one. Soo what gets you hiigh? Leave your interesting or funny responses in the comments section below me! I always liked it when Kassem said it like that.

Or you can leave your answers on Facebook, Twitter... or my fucking Google Plus! === Cool Transition ===

But thanks for watching today's episode of Equals Three. I'm Ray William Johnson and I approve this message.

Soo tell me guys: who's your favorite superhero?


 * [video plays]

Outtakes
Either it fucking works or it doesn't. How would [unintelligible] all look? So you gotta make a blow up doll replica of me. Alright we got this? Gotta fucking tell you how to do your job? Then you play the video... Looking buff [laughs] Alright let's fucking do this man. Already fucking up, here we go. Goddamnit. Just another day for fucking Brandon. Old back door! Should be pretty funny, uh let's hope. That's all you get. Goddamnit.

Characters Featured

 * No returning characters were portrayed in this episode.