FAT KID FALLS

FAT KID FALLS is an Equals Three episode released on Wednesday, August 25th 2011.

The episode's title is Ray's made up title for the third video.

Opening Titles
What's happening guys?

As you can see I once again - I shaved off the adolescent facial hair, literally, just to fuck with you guys. Cause I got nothing better to do.

And now you're going to be sitting there 'til the next episode like:

"Is he going to grow it back, I, is he going to leave it? I don't know. I don't like change." $We Fear CHANGE$

Yes that's how you sound.

So, yeah, uh first video.

This guy here builds a big ass elaborate slide off the roof of his house and then he like, I don't know, dresses up in a black leotard like he's the fucking gimp from Pulp Fiction.

But, lucky for us this video ends $Like A Jean Claude VanDamme Movie WITH PAIN$}} exactly the way you want it to.


 * [video plays]

Alright kids, there is an important lesson to be learned here, namely $Your REDNECK Dad Is A REDNECK Dad$ that when you're Dad is in so much pain that he has to cower down in the doggie style position, it's probably not the most appropriate time to laugh your ass off.


 * [video plays]

I mean maybe one of you should - Oh, I don't know - grow a fucking soul $Children of the CORN$ and go over there and see if he's alright!

And if he isn't injured, then you point and laugh and tell him that he looks like a homosexual pro wrestler when he's bent over like that. $Gay Mysterio?$

Now this video got like a hundred thousand views and you know even if good ol' Dad did land in that kiddie pool, there's like 4 inches of water in there at the most. $I Know Exactly What 4 Inches Looks Like.$

I mean how is that going to break your fall, Dad? Man if I were one of his kids I'd be embarrassed. $Why You Gotta Embarrass Me? DON'T COME AROUND ME DON'T COME AROUND MY FRIENDS DON'T COME TO MY F***ING BIRTHDAY PARTY AND S*** MAN WHY COULDN'T HAVE YOU BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S DAD?$

I'd be like first of all take off that Goddamn leotard cause you look like the gimp from Pulp Fiction.

Second of all, why you got to embarrass me? Don't come around me, don't come around my friends, don't come to my fucking birthday party and shit. Man why couldn't you have just been an alcoholic like everyone else's Dad?

Cool Transition
You know, [laughs] unfortunately, every time I make that joke, like thousands of people -literally thousands of people - write me like $Listen Here Ass****s I Turned Out Just Fine$

Alright, it's a joke fucking $And I Was Born With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome$ simmer down, God, no wonder your dad drinks...

Anyjew. $ANYJEW$

You guys ever heard of a trouser snake? $Trouser-Snake$


 * [video plays]

Your snake! Goddamn it! $F*** This Joke$

Now the funny thing about this video other than the snake looks like his dick $SNAKE D***$, is that I can do the exact same trick, $BECAUSE THEY CALL ME EARTHWORM$ and I don't need the snake baby.

Now this video's good, I only got like fifty thousand views but it's also kinda sad cause this poor guy 's up there standing up on stage, everyone's laughing at him, he's not playing it off very well.

And if you look close you can even get a glimpse of the dude in charge, like, even he's laughing.


 * [video plays]

Don't just sit there and laugh, at least help a brother out, at least go over there and like, I don't know, give him a reach-around.

You know part of me watches this video and I'm like

"Dah! It's funny because the snake looks like his dick!"

But another part of me feels sorry for the guy. I mean come on haven't you ever had one of those boners that you just can't control? $YES I JUST TUCK IT IN THE ELASTIC BAND OF MY BOXER SHORTS$ You know recently a friend of my grandmother's passed away and at the funeral I got the biggest fucking erection and I don't know why and I couldn't control it... and apparently erections at funerals are, frowned upon.

Cool Transition
So this next video is, it's gotta be like some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen $And I've Seen The Video of My Birth And Conception$ and no, it's not Japanese.

It's like, it's like you've got these weird girls dancing and a very overweight toddler sitting back here.

Alright, so the scenario is already kinda weird, but then the little fat kid falls and like the girls don't even help him up, - he's just, $They Must Have Dance Fever$ like just, he's just - keep dancing.


 * [video plays]

Oh hoho, it's not a big deal $It's Just My Dead Fat Brother Someone Didn't Read the... Baby-Sitters Club$, there's just a kid passed out at your feet.

Fucking worst babysitters ever!

I think I'd rather have Casey Anthony watching my kid... What too soon?

No! No, it's not too soon. Now I make a lot of jokes on the show and I hate hate hate judging from afar. $The Way I Look Naked$

But you never know, like this scenario might not be that weird where they're from.

Maybe they're from some small town, I don't... $The Alabama Slama$ Asshole Alabama, where this shit is normal. Maybe in that town wearing a shirt with a zebra dildo is a normal thing!

What I'm saying is I hate, like judging videos like that because in reality you just see the video you don't really know what's going on but it looks like those girls are supposed to be babysitting and are sort of neglecting an unfortunately fat four-year-old.

Now if that is indeed the case and I don't know if it is, but if it is then these kids have got like the worst $Not Worse Then JonBenet's Parents The Television?$ parents in the world. Like I would rather have that homosexual pro wrestling gimp from Pulp Fiction as my Dad than whomever is supposed to be parenting these kids; I don't know guys, am I being too harsh?

Because I've seen videos $MOSTLY HOME VIDEOS$ of way worse parenting, but at the same time how are you going to let your kid get that fat? But like I said, maybe we don't have all the facts.

...go fuck yourself!

But you know what'll, should never, ever fuck itself? [laugh] the Comment Question of the Day which comes from a user named BAM! and they said.

Hey Ray, my Comment Question of the Day is, if you were a hurricane, what would your name be?

So what is your hurricane name??? You know hurricane -I don't- hurricane asshole, I don't know... [laughs] Leave your interesting or creative responses in the comments section below or on Facebook, Twitter or Google+!

Cool Transition
But thanks for watching today's epimesode of Equals Three, I'm Ray William Johnson and I approve this message.

So tell me guys, what do you do in traffic?


 * [video plays]

Outtakes
Man, F, uh, fucking, wh, wuh... DAAAH!!! yunyun DAAAH!!! [gibberish] [beat boxing] [random noises] Fucking stomach's all growlin'. Is that a fucking helicopter? Damn it! Fucking police sirens, fucking helicopters when I'm trying to film. Think they'd schedule shit around Equals Three, you know? God damn it! Fuck, you all look the same.

Video
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